Healing My Burnout
It was a Wednesday in October when I went in the woods behind my office and sobbed for 2 straight hours.
While a coworker was known to yell at me, this was an unprompted cry. This one started while looking at myself in the bathroom mirror and I couldn’t handle the dead eyes staring back at me.
I had expected this job to be difficult. Hell, there were so many red flags in the interview process 10 months before and nearly every week since then. But I thought I could handle it, that it somehow made me tougher, grittier, that I would get a badge of honor of how I could persevere. Instead, I became someone who cried at work, had no social life, and gained 40 lbs of stress weight.
It was now December and there were no more tears. After a month straight of 80+ hour weeks and a big 3-day event, I didn’t have the energy or capability to cry anymore. It wasn’t just the event. I felt exhausted, hopeless, and lost all the time. And even with spending hundreds of dollars a month on therapy and support, my health was crashing. I had a history of chronic illness and I was having symptoms pop up that I had never experienced before.
The worst part? There was no end in sight.
This was my dream job.
I had gotten my graduate degree for this. It was on my vision board, what I had dreamt of for so long.
But I couldn’t do it anymore.
My History with Burnout
My first bout of burnout was when I was a freshman in high school. I had multiple life crises and no coping mechanisms or emotional support. My dad left; I was diagnosed with childhood Lyme disease, my mom also diagnosed and much more ill than I was; two family members passed, one was my great-grandfather who was such an important father figure in my life; and I had just gone from private to public school and knew no one. All this happened in the span of a few months, and it left me so numb and apathetic.
I’m sure being young helped heal this burnout, as I didn’t do anything intentionally different. I gained friends, had fun, and thankfully my life became less turbulent which were all beneficial to counter the effects. By senior year, I was nearly “normal” and when college hit, I felt like a completely different human being.
My second bout was grad school. I was living in a new state, no friends, my father had just passed. I spent most of my time studying, and I experienced 2 deeply unrooting experiences that made me feel unsafe. This stress triggered some Lyme and chronic illness flair up. I decided to go deeper on my healing journey, which was too much too soon and led to a completely shot nervous system. You might have heard me call this my “near nervous breakdown”. I had hit rock bottom, and it catalyzed my spiritual journey.
While healing this burnout, I realized how pivotal and important the nervous system was. I began to see an energy therapist, who helped heal and support my nervous system, as well as help me process and release 28 years of stuck emotions. I also became cognizant of taking too much on in my personal life and began to spend much more time alone.
So when this latest bout of burnout happened, I wasn’t surprised but I was tired of it.
Identifying the Burnout Cycle
After realizing that no job was a “dream job” if it was ruining your health, I quit. It was the first time I had ever done anything like that, putting my health and myself first.
It wasn’t an easy decision, but I knew I had to get out. And I had the privilege of having money saved up, so I knew I could take some time to deeply heal, support and nourish my body.
However, that was not what happened.
Not even 3 weeks after I quit my job, I let fear suck me into another toxic job and a few months later, a certification program that was just as toxic and stressful.
You see, even though I had the money to support me, I was scared of what people would think of me without a job. If I wasn’t showing how much I sacrificed, would I be seen as worthy? And mostly, I was scared of my family judging me, thinking I was lazy and worthless.
No one in my family had ever quit to “heal” anything. It was expected to suck it up and figure it out. Emotions and rest were for the weak. We were a family who never relied on support, on help. For god’s sake, I had moved 4 times in 7 years, and never once did I ask for any help moving. I had to ask my mom once to help me fit some boxes in her car, and it felt like a moral failing.
After realizing that I had somehow gotten myself right back into the same patterns as before, I knew that that something was keeping me stuck in this burnout loop. I wasn’t consciously making these decisions to burn out, so I knew it had to be some limiting beliefs in my subconscious.
After studying the subconscious for a few years now, I knew the power that it had over our identity, habits, and patterns. The subconscious rules 95% of our life, so I knew I needed to dig in and get clear on my deep subconscious beliefs of who I was, what I accepted, what I sought out, and what I allowed.
So I got curious about my beliefs. Through journaling, energy work, and visualization, I was able to tap into my limiting beliefs, and they were illuminating.
Rest is for the weak.
Pushing through is the only way to cope.
I don’t deserve to have fun.
My self-worth and value are tied to how hard I work and how much energy I can expend.
If I am seen as lazy, I don’t deserve love.
My body and its needs aren’t important.
Who am I to have a job and life that feels good and supports me?
Something is wrong with ME that I’m burnout.
There’s not a job out there that could support someone like me.
Being unproductive is a mortal sin.
Once I discovered these beliefs, I could totally see how they were keeping me stuck in this burnout cycle. Like, duh, of course, you’re going to run yourself into the ground and not take care of your body when you value work over rest and feel unworthy unless you’re “productive”.
And while a lot of these are generational values, a lot of them started as societal “norms” and capitalistic values. Capitalism and white supremacy are toxic for everyone, it is especially so for Black, Brown, Indigenous people of Color, disabled folks, and other marginalized peoples. These systems treat humans as machines and only value what we can produce, and they’ve brainwashed us into believing it's normal and healthy. (HERE and HERE are important articles on the intersectionality with burnout and BBIPOC experiences.)
With all this in mind, I began to reverse engineer my goal and I asked myself, “What are the thoughts and habits of a person who has overcome burnout?”
My body deserves rest.
I deserve rest.
I am worthy of love exactly as I am.
I allow myself to accept help.
I allow myself to tell others no.
I am safe to rest.
I am allowed to set boundaries.
My health is worth more than what I produce.
I deserve to put myself first.
And then I began to rewire my brain.
I used energy healing, affirmations, and visualizations to imprint these new thoughts. I also released stuck emotions and trauma from my mind and body and acknowledged the pain that created these patterns to begin with. And I took my power back as I kept unwinding myself from these toxic and harmful thoughts.
Adding the Fun
As I had previously learned how important supporting my nervous system was, during this time I continued seeing my energy therapist. I began to study herbalism and support my body with nervous system supporting herbs. I got certified in energy healing and began to practice on myself. I stopped trying to push healing and accept myself exactly where I was at.
I began to feel more grounded and nourished.
I also decided to embrace my Human Design profile. I had known I was a Manifestor for quite a few years, and I knew that I needed more rest than most folks since I had an undefined sacral. However, when I put that into practice, I let it only affect my social life as I didn’t even realize it could somehow pertain to work. I pulled back from friendships, social events, and fun because I knew, between friends and work, I couldn’t do it all. Without realizing it, pulling away from being social weakened my foundation for bouncing back from burnout and other stressors.
Now that I was rewiring my brain with thoughts that supported me, I began to rewire my thoughts about what work could look like for someone with an undefined sacral. I found examples of folks who were working part-time and making more than enough money to thrive. I kept telling myself it was possible for me to find something similar or better! I let myself believe I could effortlessly have both work and a social life.
With these thought patterns changed, I behaved differently at the new job. I created boundaries, said no to overworking, and I said yes to fun. I started taking pottery and watercoloring classes. I finally stopped eating at my desk and had lunch with friends. I went on vacation with my friends. And for the first time in such a long time, I had the energy and desire to be social. It was a much-needed balm for my heart and nervous system.
What Became Possible
After 9 months, I quit my part-time gig, quit the certification program (an unthinkable action from the old me), and decided to allow myself to be intentional with the job search. No more accepting something for the wrong reasons; no more feeling like I was only worth the minimum. This time I knew it was possible to get a job that could support me. And I felt so hopeful and excited. Not just about jobs, but about the life I could create.
And then a little over a month later, we went on lockdown from the pandemic.
It made more sense for me to move home with my mom, so she wasn’t alone during lockdown, and so I could save money while I was job hunting. I paid for goddamn movers and even though I felt a bit of shame for telling my family, it felt revolutionary. In fact, hiring movers was definitely in the top 3 best decisions I made in all of 2020 and was a true sign of breaking the cycle.
When I reprogrammed my brain that it was possible to have a job full of rest and ease and fun, it opened up so many possibilities. In fact, it opened up so many possibilities that I created my own business. Before I would have thought it would be too much work; it would have burnt me out and been unrewarding, and who was I to create a business that allowed for ease and fun. But now with the privilege of living at home, creating a business designed to support me was the logical next step.
This leads me to where I am today and why I created my own burnout healing program. I learned so much during my time breaking the burnout cycle and I’m excited to share them and be able to support others. Because rewiring my beliefs and focusing on nourishment and joy not only allowed me to heal my burnout but also changed the trajectory of my life. Without the same thought keeping me stuck in patterns that were toxic and harmful, I was able to create something completely different and wonderful.
Want support healing your own burnout? Check out my 5-week program Rewired & Limitless HERE.